Am I The Bad Guy? Not at The End

"Make the most of your time because the days are evil."

I heard this recently in a church sermon and it will stick with me forever. I have had a lot of hard times recently but also a lot of good ones. Unfortunately, the bad ones seem to stick around harder and last longer than the good ones. We always pin our problems on someone else or something else. We never do anything wrong in our own eyes at times and it is hard to see our own faults.

Most times people who try to pin it on you or you on them, just really need to take accountability. We can't at moments because possibly we are insecure and can't afford mentally to put more emotional weight on ourselves.

I catch my self doing this to my loved ones unfortunately. But I am proud of myself for acknowledging that I do that.

I am at a loss of words for the situations I have experienced thus far in life. Heck, even this year.. Life truly puts you through the whirlwind. I find myself questioning people I love, even myself, when I shouldn't. This started early on in life and that has changed my life with no warning. Some are amazing changes though and some make you feel like giving up.

Obviously I am not the only one hurting. I am well aware that I am very blessed still in life no matter what. I have some of the most amazing people in my life and the help I have received in certain times is amazing. However, many would be surprised if I told them my whole story. The past is really not what this is about though. This story is about right now and what's continuing to happen in my life. I will talk about the past more in other stories too but right now I am just not happy with how people can take my niceness and assistance as it is okay to not follow your word/promise or walk all over me. Too many have. I am sick of it. Where does it stop. How can I stop it.

I am trying to do my best and I can see myself improving.

In many ways.

It comes with pain as much as it does with pride..

Sometimes it is so hard to live, especially when you're doing different things non stop and trying to pull your self a thousand different ways. My boyfriend and a good friend who's been through alot with me talk about our improvements together. I get frustrated though because I let others still walk all over me and it brings me down daily way too much. With the support of my people, especially my father, I have been able to strengthen my confidence in changing this though. I am not innocent like I have said before, but I am so mad that I let these events happen because that is not me. My dad has even mentioned how he can't believe how I have let my sons dad treat me like I have because I don't let people do that usually and I am one to speak my mind.

Getting older you learn more about yourself. We will never be able to know our whole mindset and I think that is so interesting.

One thing I have realized is that I protect, help or defend others more than myself. My close friends actually brought it to my attention first. I believe the reason that I am weaker with defending myself though is because I love so hard... When is comes to my sons dad it is because he is my sons dad. He will always be my sons dad no matter what, and I don't want to hurt him. I just wish he felt the same. With my son involved, it is so much different, and I just want my son to have and feel the most loved that is possible. How do you not love the person that is half of your child? I don't know how people do it. To many that have witnessed what's been put on me but it doesn't seem that his dad gets that I have been doing most of everything for us. His mom has been doing his side of co-parenting and the last year is only when he wants to seem active and I wont mention why I think... Okay I will. Later.

Then he wants to treat me like I am the problem.

I truly wish I could tell my sons dad off sometimes and never have to deal with him again because he has really made me cry most days. Hes bullied me to the end. Everyday there is something that I have to deal with from him. I wish I was kidding but for months it is everyday. It is especially hard because it came out of nowhere.

It is hit hard and it has been a hard time for all of us too, my son, my family and my boyfriends. He definitely is making it harder than it has to be. I just really don't feel okay with it. I wish I knew where this came from. It seems ironic that it happened when him and his girlfriend moved in together. I just wish they knew that I am happy for them.

I know I am not innocent of the situation. I just wish I knew what the reasoning was. Even if it is just being jealous of having a boyfriend with a child. But she did know that before. At least I could understand more than I do now if I knew why.

We always said we would have lunches and events with the people that we would end up with and show our son that he has a whole connected team of love. We promised many other very cool rules too that I followed but now they have been trashed by him. I could not go through what hes putting me through without my support system.

Kinda Makes me laugh in a way (more cry) because he doesn't understand what he is doing to his son by hurting me and thinks his son doesn't see it. Well I guess that will happen when you have only been present the last year really.

Our son will remember and I will never bring his dads name down. But he is smart and it will be known to him when he's old enough to understand.

I experienced the same when I was younger.

It's it's funny because I found myself in that wanting look at ..... More coming next week.... Stay tuned and please subscribe and donate to charity (wink face) but please haha It helps me continue this passion which helps me cope and others too from what I have read. Thank YOU